In the darkest days of winter, I can get up to all kinds of extreme
activities, including cleaning and organizing. There’s something about the
winter solstice that inspires me to go through drawers and closets. Coupled
with my desire to find new ways to save money, it’s an amusement that yields
mixed results.
One day I got into my store of camping food, looking for
dinners I could parlay into edible indoor eatables. There was an unlabelled
silver foil pouch. I suspected it was peanut sauce and fantasized about chicken
satay with jasmine rice and tender grilled vegetables. When I dared to slit
open the package, however, I found some kind of Thai vegetarian dinner, with
tiny corn cobs and bamboo shoots. Sniffing it, I determined that it had not
gone off and would be safe to eat. For dinner, I made jasmine rice and heated
up the dinner.
But, this years-old dinner was inedible…..Horrible, stale,
flavourless, like trying to eat chopped up cardboard packaging. I threw it out after
three bites, and made egg wraps instead—and the tortillas, which had been in
the freezer since the summer, were stale. So much for shortcuts to
deliciousness.
Another night I made vegetarian chili and decided that since
it was a bit watery, I’d put in a can of tomato paste. But when I opened the
can, I found a well in the middle, full of suspicious-looking liquid, and all
the thick tomato sauce up around the sides of the can. I threw it out,
pondering the surprise that canned food can actually go bad. I may have to
rethink my stash of emergency canned food….
Everything eventually breaks down and everything eventually
becomes chaos; on a small scale, I’m fighting this all the time in my
apartment. Even discovering mold on my door frame was cause for alarm and
thorough soapy scrubbing.
My wardrobe is a travesty. I have the happy problem of
having lost 20 pounds and finding that most of my clothes are now too big for
me. Even my tights are now loose. And my knee-high winter boots really
needed to be replaced, but I’m trying to save money. Unfortunately, there are
some holes in the sides of the boots that cold winds from the Arctic tend to
blow through, so I may have to duct tape them. Duct tape really is this girl’s
best friend.
But following my friend J.’s lead, I have “found” some new
pairs of socks in my drawer and have paired together singles that have slight
resemblances to each other; for instance, two odd blue socks have come together
as a pair, regardless of their being not quite the same shade of blue. Under
knee-high boots, these new pairs are not even noticeable to the general public.
I’m spending more time online than is healthy for my back, but
when a close friend told me about a great site that aggregates content from amazing
sites all over the ‘Net, I went to check it out. To my surprise, it was a porn
site: bigg.com….. Then I realized I’d noted a “b” instead of a “d”: digg.com.
On Christmas day I turned up CBC for the annual broadcast
of Handel’s Messiah – but had to turn it
off after a while because a countertenor was singing the mezzo-soprano solos. The
horror! As a mezzo, I have an innate dislike of countertenors because they take
over coveted and rare mezzo roles. My nightmare is that I’ll go see a
performance of Carmen, and find that a countertenor has taken the role.
I have door issues. I pull when it says “push” and push when
it says “pull.” And I go out the entrance and in the exit. But at Homesense I
actually do it on purpose because part of me enjoys seeing people give me irate
looks as I enter through the exit. Yes, I do act my shoe size sometimes (10).
My life of housecleaning and online idling is soon coming to
an end, but in the meantime, I think about how other people make a living, and
make way more than I do. On the street the other day, I overheard a rent boy on
the phone setting up a date. “The rate is $250 and I live at Queen and Dufferin,”
he said “Top or bottom…..”
Close to my condo, a large Tim Horton’s is about to open,
and they’re looking for staff. For about two seconds, I considered applying. It
would be convenient, after all. But I don’t think the uniform would be a
particularly good look for me. And they’d probably put me on the morning shift.
I’m terrible first thing in the morning
For example, last week when I first woke up, I reached over
to my chest of drawers to grab something and knocked over a brass ornament with
sharp edges. It smashed into my mouth and cut my lip. Stemming the flow of
blood, and applying ice to reduce the swelling, I realized this was going to make
me look like I either had a giant cold sore or was just punched—so perfect
for making a positive impression on new clients and inspiring confidence in my
competence….
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