Tips for carefree IKEA construction

1. Don't tell any friends in the Green party you are buying IKEA products. They'll say IKEA is the "McDonald's of furniture" and that as well as contributing particleboard to landfill, it takes jobs away from local carpenters. You'll then have to contend with feelings of enviro-guilt on top of your construction frustrations. (Note to F. -- I have never put any IKEA furniture in the garbage!)

2. Even if numbers aren't your thing because you're totally artsy, measure the space you want to put the new item into. Chances are, the piece that looked small in the photo of the trendy Stockholm loft will be giant in your highrise apartment.

3. Don't try to make sense out of the extra holes and grooves on the pieces of wood you're using to build your item. It's like junk DNA--not there for any particular reason, just kind of left over from other projects or evolutionary stages.

4. Don't expect the diagrams to be all that obvious. IKEA saves money on translation, copywriting (thanks, eh?)  and paper by not putting any copy in the instruction manual. The diagrams are supposed to be multilingual and easy to understand. Many details are missing, however--like the part that should identify the front vs. back of your chest of drawers so you don't nail the back board to the front and end up with ugly nail holes all over the front. (Grrr.)

5. You'll need tools as well, like a toolbox with screwdrivers and a hammer. You'll really be doing these macho tasks such as hammering, screwing in screws, and of course, taking out all the nails and screws you put into the wrong places because you didn't get enough information from the diagrams.

6. If you want to break up with your spouse, building IKEA furniture together is a perfect precipitating event. Men like to ignore the manual and just go with the flow. Women prefer to study those diagrams. Arguments erupt. Relationships end. Do it alone unless there's an agreement to role assignment of boss and minion.

7, Women, don't allow yourself to get too worked up over the fact that the diagrams often only have men in them (unless they're really frumpy-looking women?). At least the IKEA catalogues show men standing over stoves in those stylish kitchens.

8. As for the instructions to attach the piece of furniture to the wall to ensure it won't topple over in the middle of the night, save your energy and ignore them.... It's more fun to live on the edge.