What not to eat at a job interview

I'm not in a bargaining position when it comes to work. So I didn't feel able to say no to a job interview that started at 12:00 noon. I didn't bother haggling over scheduling and making it sound like eating is my biggest priority in life (it kind of is).  I speculated as to whether the interviewers would provide sandwiches, but I didn't want to ask in case it sounded too greedy and grasping. Since the interview consisted of a 2-hour writing test followed by a 1-hour interview, I knew there was no way I'd make it to 3:00 without fainting. So I made myself a honey and butter sandwich and stashed it in my purse. Yes, a purse. I do own some, which I carry instead of my usual knapsack when I want to look less like someone coming fresh from the Occupy Toronto site.

I put on just a touch of makeup--lipstick and mascara. Problem is, because of cash-flow issues, I can't afford to replace my monthly contact lenses. I'm therefore wearing leftover and mismatched contacts from my old prescription, which don't allow me to see close up very well. I guessed that the mascara looked OK, jamming my face against the bathroom mirror to have a look, but all I could see was a blurred, deranged-looking face.

At the interview venue, I made myself at home in the boardroom,  sitting down at a fancy-looking, big rosewood board table.

At one point I started to cough due to either dust or cleaning chemicals in the room. This devolved quickly into full-blown hacking. I coughed so hard my eyes watered. I worried about people hearing me coughing, because it sounded like I had TB or pneumonia and needed oxygen. With a cough candy in my mouth, I checked my makeup mirror to see if the mascara had run. Again, all I could see was a blurry blob.

By 1:00 I was starting to feel hungry and stupid....I took out my honey sandwich. Crumbs and honey kept dropping onto the rosewood table. A couple of people went by and looked through the window just as I was licking honey off my fingers. I tried to sweep up the crumbs, and they fell onto the carpet. They were quite visible, so I kicked them under the table. I wet my paper towel and wiped the honey off the boardroom table. Then I chewed gum and reapplied lipstick. At 2:00 the interview team came in and grilled me--thankfully, I did not embarrass myself.

Walking home, I looked down and saw that my recently polished boots were marked up with ugly salt stains....And then at home I took out my contacts and verified that the mascara was in fact smeared all over my eyes, making me look like a raccoon or someone with a drinking problem. For today's job interview I am not wearing mascara, and not bringing anything with honey in it. This way I hope to look more professional and less vagabond and demented,,,,